React or Respond?

I love getting the chance to counsel couples on their way to marriage. Partly because I like teaching and helping people find some footing as they walk into the next chapter of their lives and partly because the material I cover always convicts me in my own marriage. As much as I would like to think that I have arrived as a fully sanctified husband and father… my wife and kids can tell you with certainty God still has work to do!

One of my favorite sessions of premarital counseling centers around how we handle conflict. We talk about how we will approach one another and handle conflict in a biblical way. As I always say, “when the tan from your honeymoon begins to fade, you will likely pull out these principles out of necessity rather than discussing them here in theory.”

When we are met with the sin, weakness, or failure of others, we can either react in our flesh or respond to God.

Reacting is the natural reflex that’s been hardwired into us. It usually involves heightened emotions and defensive language. Reactions are usually impulsive, combative, and driven by fear. This is what the Bible describes as our flesh. Galatians 5:19-20 describes the wonderful qualities our flesh is full of: strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, and divisions among other sinful traits! Even when we feel justified, reacting rarely produces what we hope it will. As James 1:19-20 teaches us, “Let every person be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”

Responding to God, however, is not our default. It is something the Holy Spirit produces in us. It is prayerful, measured, and gentle. Responding with godly wisdom requires our willing surrender to the Spirit’s sanctifying work. Later on in Galatians 5:22–23 Paul describes the fruit of the Holy Spirit in us, “the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.” And in the middle of conflict, Proverbs 15:1 gives us a simple but powerful picture of responding to God rather than reacting in our flesh: “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

So when conflict arises and you feel your emotions surging… pause. Say a quick prayer. Invite the Lord to help you respond to Him in that moment. And if you find yourself reacting in frustration (throwing more fuel on the fire) remember: this too is an invitation to receive God’s grace and forgiveness. 1 John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” Some of the most healing moments in our relationships come not from getting it right the first time, but from humbly owning when we got it wrong and seeking their forgiveness.

Prayer: Lord, make us responders to your Spirit’s prompting. Holy Spirit, produce good fruit in us as we walk through this life living as aliens and strangers in this world!